


Kids in Love

by thismidnight



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 13:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19110505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thismidnight/pseuds/thismidnight
Summary: A very brief follow up to what could have happened behind the door at the end of 3x03.





	Kids in Love

 

 

 

> _and i can feel it_  
>  _we’re running out of hope tonight_  
>  _i hear you breathing_  
>  _as we’re hanging onto you and i_  
>    
>  _won’t you hold me close tonight_  
>  _like we’re kids in love_

 

 

The end.

 

That’s what it feels like as she reaches out and locks the door as he pushes it shut. After all they’d been through, all they’d survived - after so many nights she was sure would be the last, this is it, and she knows it. He knows it. She’d tried to stamp out the terror with anger before but it hadn’t worked, and now she feels it rising into her stomach, threatening to overtake her.

 

This is the end.

 

She steps away from him and he leans against the door, his eyes downcast, left hand finding his right as his thumb starts to rub against his palm. He can’t even bring himself to look at her and she closes her eyes briefly. She can’t blame him. He’d come to her, hurting and upset, wanting a goodbye and she’d dismissed him - first, her anger at her situation misplaced on him like it’d been so many times before, but then she'd maintained it to protect her own feelings. But this time it wasn’t okay. Her eyes open and she looks at him still leaning against the door - broken and defeated, but still with her. Always with her. Always trying to do right by her.

 

She can't believe he's still here and sometimes she thinks he knows her better than she knows herself. It's why he didn't push back when she'd dismissed him so suddenly - he knew she needed to come around on her own, that she would come around on her own. He waited because he wanted to be with her and he deserves better than some misplaced anger and a cold goodbye.

 

This is the end. She has to do better. He can’t leave like that.

 

“I’m sorry,” she begins, and Nick looks up at her, his eyes swimming with unshed tears and her heart seizes. He can’t go to war. He’s not right for it and she’ll never see him again. The anger was easier to deal with. Anger she could push aside, deal with in another way. Grief is permanent, it never leaves. She shakes her head and continues, “I shouldn’t…” She trails off, considering. Knowing whatever she says won’t be enough.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you.”

 

He nods, an acceptance of her apology, his mouth still drawn together in a line, eyebrows knitted together, hands still together in front of him. Closed off. It’s not enough. She remembers what’d she’d done to help him the last time he’d come to her this broken down, this emotionally vulnerable and her heart sinks again. Their daughter isn’t here anymore, she’s hundreds of miles removed from them now, safe in Canada. She wishes she could lead him down the hall and let him hold her, a reminder of what good there still is in the world, of what he has to live for.

 

She exhales sharply. She might not be able to take him to their daughter but she can do the next best thing. She steps towards him and takes his hands in hers, his fingers curling around hers automatically, instinctively, like she’s his only lifeline. This is what he needs. He’d come to see her and she’d pushed him away, thinking only of herself.

 

He was right. She’s fucking selfish. Because this isn’t about her. She’s not the one going away to a war zone. How many times had he comforted her when he was also scared and hurting? Putting her feelings before his own? She looks down at their hands joined together as she rubs her thumb against the soft skin on the back of his hand. All she can do now is try to do better, to be there for him in whatever way she can.

 

“Holly made it,” she says softly, looking up to see how he takes the news. His face doesn’t change so she continues.

 

“She’s safe, Nick. She’s out.” She smiles softly at him as his face finally changes, his features softening as he takes in the news; she can see the relief washing over him. He’s still for a long second before he swallows the lump in his throat and nods again. It’s good news but she knows it’s difficult to take in. Their daughter is safe but the reality of that is that they may never see her again.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers roughly, clearing his throat. “I didn’t know. I’d been wondering.”

 

“I’d thought you’d know everything now as a Commander,” she teases gently, attempting to lighten the mood somewhat, but instead it backfires as his face darkens again and he shakes his head.

 

“Not the low level ones.” His voice is somber. Heavy. “Not the ones they send to die in combat.”

 

“Hey,” she lets his hand go and reaches up to touch his face, and the facade crumbles. His eyes close as he turns his face into her hand, tears sliding down his cheeks. She feels the lump swelling up in her throat too, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks too as she rubs her thumb on his cheek.

 

“You’re gonna be okay,” she whispers to him as her hand slides off his face and she steps into him, pressing herself against the rough fabric of his new suit. She feels his arms slide around her, holding her tightly, desperately. Needing her as much as she’s needed him in this same way in the past. She squeezes her eyes shut as she presses her face into him, inhaling sharply before she presses a kiss against his chest, right over his heart.

 

“You’re gonna be okay,” she whispers again, an affirmation, as she feels his hand rub gently on her back. If he leaves believing that then maybe he’ll make it back to her.

 

This might be an end, she thinks.

 

But it’s not the end. It won’t be their end.

**Author's Note:**

> This is rough and unedited but I felt like we all needed SOMETHING after the disaster that was the first three episodes. I hope this at least helps remove a bit of the sting of that last scene in 3x03.


End file.
